The Bachelor – The Virgin Diaries

I was worried, guys! I was worried that storm coverage would keep me from watching The Bachelor tonight, and what a disaster that would have been! Luckily, a blizzard couldn’t stop this drama.

Natural Women

The card for the first group date made reference to the word “natural”, so most of the women began freaking out that it meant no false lashes or hair extensions. (But their breasts, of course, would have to remain rather unnatural.)

Actually, the date was at a lake. Most of the girls took their bikinis off. “This is a date made for bimbos!” exclaimed Kelsey. Oh, sweetie. This is a show made for bimbos. Sure, not everyone who goes on The Bachelor is a bimbo. But the casting department, they do look for a certain kind of girl. Kelsey said that anyone with self-respect would think about calling it quits. That’s exactly what they don’t want.

She was definitely channeling some April Ludgate vibes out there.

parks and recHere are some of her best quotes:

  • “This is absurd.”
  • “My face is getting skinnier because I’ve spent too much time fake-smiling, trying to pretend to enjoy just, this… hellhole.”
  • There are moments where I just feel like taking a fork and stabbing it in my eye.”

Just when she thought it couldn’t get any worse, Chris announced that they would camp at the “dingy pond”. And then she got stung by a bee.

Kelsey kept her fake smile and fake laugh going when Chris was around, and the other girls picked up on it. Why didn’t she just go home? There’s no shame in deciding that being on The Bachelor sucks.

Ashley S. was on this date, and she was just as loony as usual. Is she on some kind of medication that reacts poorly with alcohol? It seemed like the whiskey really brought out the crazy in her.

The rose date went to Kaitlyn, which was pretty predictable. She was in her element camping, and has the easiest chemistry with Chris. She’s funny, and he’s kind of boring, so it balances out.

Ashley I. was pissed that she didn’t get the rose, and she wanted to let Chris know that even though she took off her bikini top, she’s never even had a boyfriend. But, can she drive?

cluelessChris was asleep and did not understand anything that was happening.

Sister Act

Chris’s three sisters came to the house to meet the women and select one person for a solo date. Jillian was half in the pool, 100% asleep when they arrived. That seems safe. They chatted with each girl, but I couldn’t really tell who connected with them.

They chose Jade, which was nice because she seems really shy and quiet. She might not be pushy enough to spend a lot of time with Chris in group settings, so it was nice that the sisters picked her out of the crowd as a nice girl.

Belle of the Ball

Jade’s date was Cinderella themed, and she was treated like a princess while getting ready – she even had a pink-haired fairy godmother. Ashley I. was so jealous I thought she would die. She played the role of the wicked stepsister perfectly!

Ashley even did her make up, put on a ball gown, and then sat alone eating an ear of corn, moping. WTF? That girl is a BRAT.

Jade seems sweet, but she moved to L.A. to launch a business. How is that supposed to work with “Prince Farming”, as Ashley called him?


HA! For the second group date, everyone wore wedding dresses and Ashley wasn’t a part of it because she was on the CAMPING date. Ha!

The women weren’t walking down the aisle, they were running a mucky obstacle course race “for charity”. Jillian obviously won, because she spends most of her time working out. Or sleeping in pools.

Jillian talked a lot on her date with Chris. Mostly about fitness, which is suuuuuuch a boring topic. Basically, Chris admitted that he started to tune her out after a while.

Jillian asked Chris if he would rather have sex with a homeless girl (she described some gross things) or abstain from sex for five years. AND THEY DIDN’T SHOW HIS ANSWER. Sometimes my friend Joel asks me silly “would you rather” questions and I always answer “neither” and it makes him crazy mad. Which makes me crazy happy. Jillian and Chris do not even have the chemistry of platonic friends. They have literally NOTHING in common. Thankfully, he did not give her a rose.

Chris said if this (the show) doesn’t work, he’ll be concerned about his potential in life. HE’S 33 WHOLE YEARS OLD AND STILL UNMARRIED. Poor Chris. Has anyone told him what kind of track record this show has? He’s going to be so disappointed.

“Can I steal him for a second?”

If you haven’t seen it, take five minutes and watching this Saturday Night Live sketch that makes fun of The Bachelor: “Farm Hunk”.

Ashley I. decided she hadn’t been obvious enough in the tent the other night when talking to Chris. But instead of just saying “So I’m a virgin”, she quizzed him on what he’d taken away from their conversation. Y’know, the one he was basically asleep for. So she told him, and then kept saying “It’s nothing that I’m super serious about.” Oh god, is Ashley going to cash in her v-card in the Fantasy Suite? Nooooooo.

Chris didn’t kiss Ashley before they parted ways, so she started sobbing through those luscious, false eyelashes.

Word spread quickly about Ashley, and the women all reacted differently. One girl (Carly, maybe?) said “Well her mouth is not a virgin” because she has kissed Chris and that is so unchaste! Becca mentioned that she is also a virgin, but she was way more chill about it.

When Britt hung out with Chris, she basically confronted him about giving Caitlyn so many roses and kiiiiiind of slut-shamed her. Chris stumbled over his words a lot, because Britt suggesting that he was “validating” inappropriate behavior was weird. He should have just said he didn’t want to talk about the other girls. Chris mumbled “I’m glad to have had this conversation” and could not have meant it less and stormed off to make a speech about his good intentions.

Britt received the final rose, despite her awkward conversation with Chris. Crazy Ashley S., Juelia, and a brunette I didn’t recognize were sent home. Ashley left and said “I feel nothing. I’m not sad at all.” It was refreshing.

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The Penultimate Episode of ‘Parenthood’ was Perfect

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Thursday night’s episode of Parenthood, the second-last of the series, was simply one perfect scene after another. It created a swell of emotion that basically overcame me, and it was all I could think about the next day. Damn. That was a great episode.

I’ve said before that the earlier part of this season wasn’t great, and I don’t want to dwell on that. It just makes me even happier that these last four episodes are so perfect. I said to a co-worker the other day, I’d like to get just these last four episodes on DVD. Based on the scenes from next week, I just know I’ll love the finale.

The episode kicked off with All The Feelings, and a beautiful scene shot outside where Zeek tells Camille that he doesn’t want to have the operation. A lot of this episode was about accepting the inevitable. We knew that Zeek wouldn’t want the operation, that Joel and Julia hadn’t solved all their problems, that Sarah would want to marry Hank while her dad is still alive, and that the Luncheonette probably wasn’t going to stick around. I think we all also knew that Amber would have a son named after Zeek. But none of that mattered, because it’s about how we get to those places, and how people react when they’re there.

Victor, obviously, was the most suspicious of his parents reuniting. Unlike spoiled Sydney, he’s a kid who’s been through a lot. I liked how Joel was so scared to have any disagreement with Julia, but Julia insisted that they do fight about their issues – resulting in the two of them yelling at each other in the car, to keep it away from their kids. This episode did a good job of showing us that while the reunion might bring up some messy stuff, Joel and Julia will be just fine.

Another scene I loved was Kristina and Jasmine fighting at the hospital over the Luncheonette. I’ve come around on Jasmine over the last couple seasons, but I’ve never been able to relate very well to Kristina – and I find Adam at his most annoying when he’s with his wife. They are very real characters, they’re just not people that I’m able to relate to much in real life, or enjoy spending time with. So I was mad at Kristina for convincing Adam that the Luncheonette is a bad idea (“I thought we were done with that”) and for telling Jasmine to basically butt out.

The arguing was perfect, especially because Crosby was so hurt that Jasmine had gotten involved. He wanted to work with his brother, and knowing that someone else had convinced his brother to do it ruined what was great about the business. But Adam saying “I don’t want to have to take care of my little brother anymore” was the height of jerk behavior.

The one part of the episode that I wasn’t in love with was the stuff with Chambers Academy. The show wants us to feel inspired, to feel that Max and his schoolmates could have a future where they are employed. But I’ve hated everything about that school, and how Kristina runs it, that I just couldn’t really believe it.

My absolute favorite scene from the episode (maybe of any show ever in general?) was Sarah and Amber singing that Joni Mitchell song together. God, that was beautiful. Remember how Amber kinda hated her mom in season one? Now Amber is telling her mom that she’s her hero, and she has become a mom herself. Sarah has become a grandmother. Sarah’s getting married. It was just so perfect.

Sidenote: The sneak peek of the finale showed Sarah and Hank’s wedding. I always felt a little cheated that we never got to see Lorelei have a real wedding on Gilmore Girls, so there’s a part of me that’s extra happy to see Sarah get the happy ending here. Also, Hank’s comment about a “stupid gazebo” felt like a dig at Stars Hollow and it made me giggle.

I thought this episode was very much about four generations of Bravermans, told through Zeek, Sarah, Amber and baby Zeek. The family dinner with the “original six” was chaotic and loud in that way that big families can be. The scene where Sarah went and told Zeek that she’s marrying Hank was so perfect, we didn’t need to see Zeek break the news to his children.

It was fitting that after the false alarm, when half the family showed up to the hospital only to find out that Amber had gas, that the real moment would be smaller. Just Amber and Sarah. (I loved the scene with Hank driving them to the hospital the first time, though.) That Zeek and Camille would be the first people invited to meet their great-grandson, Zeek’s namesake.

Oh man. I simultaneously can’t wait for the final episode, and don’t want to see it because then Parenthood will be over.

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Ten Hilarious Things From Last Night’s ‘Parks and Recreation’

Two more episodes of Parks and Recreation aired last night, and the second – “Leslie and Ron” – might be one of the best the series has ever produced.

parks and rec leslie and ron

The first episode basically set the stage for the incredible second one. It brought Ron and Leslie’s feud to the point where their friends banded together to put an end to it. It was nice to see the old gang working together, now that everyone is working in different places now.

The second episode was a perfect bottle episode. Leslie and Ron were trapped in a room together trying to work out their differences. I’ll get to the funny stuff in a minute, but the episode was also incredibly emotional. Viewers were able to understand why Leslie was so incredibly upset (Ron didn’t just quit the Parks Department without telling Leslie – his construction company tore down Ann’s old house and put up apartment buildings next to the pit park) and why Ron was too (Ron had planned to ask Leslie for a job at the federal government, which he hates, because he missed his friends – but she stood him up for lunch).

It was the most vulnerable we’ve ever seen Ron Swanson. It reminded us how unlikely this friendship was in the first place, and how much it meant to both of them. And it reminded us just how hilarious they are. Now, here are some of the highlights:

  1. All the wrong words to We Didn’t Start The Fire.
  2. Leslie had “Food and Stuff” temporarily shut down because of a health code violation.
  3. “That new place, Complete Foods.”
  4. The partially diffused land mine was actually filled with confetti and balloons. The look on Ron’s face when he realized that. “You mean to tell me I have had a toy on my desk for ten years?” “You mean to tell me that you thought you had an actual land mine on your desk?”
  5. Leslie’s laugh after the land mine says “Congratulations Ron, you have been doing an explosive job!”
  6. Ron wearing Craig’s yoga clothes.
  7. Leslie and Ron putting the Parks Department back the way it used to be, to Ron’s song choice Buddy.
  8. The return of the breakfast food poster!
  9. We Didn’t Start The Fire with Ron on saxophone.
  10. Ron and Leslie’s saxophone fart noise.
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The Bachelor: Cool Girls and Pool Girls

This episode of The Bachelor was brought to you by Jimmy Kimmel, reluctantly fulfilling an ABC contract obligation! I bet he’s never been so jealous of the other late night Jimmy.

Date #1 – Join The Club

Chris’s first date was with Kaitlyn, a laid back dance instructor from Vancouver. Last week, I thought Kaitlyn seemed like one of the funnier and more normal contestants. You know, given the standards. So she was a perfect fit for this date, dreamed up by Jimmy Kimmel – a luxurious trip to Costco!

Were they there on a weekend? Because Costco on a Saturday afternoon is its own special kind of hell. I hate it. Chris and Kaitlyn had a list of items to buy so they could host Jimmy for dinner later that evening.

(If I went on a first date at Costco, it would probably be the last. I would get overly excited about all the bulk soft cheese and then I’d make snarky comments about how no one knows how to maneuver a shopping cart.)

The date with Jimmy was weird. The bro vibe was weird. Like, “Look how cool Kaitlyn is! She drinks whiskey and has a loud laugh and thinks it’s OK to go into the Fantasy Suite with multiple women. She’s ALMOST as good as a man! But not quite. Because no woman can be as good as a man.”

giphy cool stoey broIt reminded me of “the cool girl” from Gone Girl.

“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.”

So of course Kaitlyn got the rose. Because she’s a cool girl. (I actually do like Kaitlyn, but you’ve got to admit that the book quote hit the nail on the head.)

Date #2 – Farmville

The group date featured farm animals and a competition, because after all this whole show is just one big job interview! Who will be the last woman standing in the race to become Chris’s next farmhand?

First everyone had to husk corn. I would nail that! I’m a city girl but I BBQ all the time. Of course, I’m also super OCD and would probably spend 15 minutes at that station removing every strand of hair from the corn.

Next, the women had to collect an egg. Then milk a goat. Then, a lactose intolerant woman drank the gross, warm goat’s milk. She’s gonna have such a romantic rest of the day! The final task was manure-related.

gross giphyCarly, who won the farm competition, pulled Chris aside first at the cocktail party. She opened with this line:

“I get kind of nervous around you, and then I know I can be kind of girly and sweet, um, but you are a man and I am a woman so I just wanted to take advantage.” Then she kissed him.

Oh, Carly. You are so not the Cool Girl. How is the Cruise Ship Singer still even here, anyway? Remember her tiny pink karaoke machine?

Chris also kissed literally every other woman there. The very young mom, who was first to kiss Chris, did not take well to this. “So, remember how we kissed?” she asked, like someone the night after a middle school dance. “Why are you kissing everyone else, too?”

Oh good lord. Has this chick ever seen the show? What did she expect?

With all that kissing, I had no idea who would receive the group date rose. It went to Rebecca, a girl I didn’t remember at all. Was that the girl who didn’t kiss him and wanted to take things slow? Fill me in in the comments, guys.

Date #3 – Wedding Guests

Whitney got the next one-on-one date. Whitney is 29, from Chicago, and works as a fertility nurse. Can you get a job doing that in Iowa? Or Idaho? Or wherever the hell Chris lives?

The date started off with some wine, and then they spotted a nearby wedding and “spontaneously” decided to crash it. Please. The whole thing was more scripted than Wedding Crashers the film.

Whitney said she was the kind of young girl who dreamed of her wedding “and now we’re crashing a wedding, and I can’t wait.” How romantic! Chris predicted that the worst thing that could happen is they’d get arrested. These people have clearly never crashed an event before. The worst that can happen is that you’re asked to leave, and then you do.

Here’s the thing, though. When you crash a wedding with a freaking gift, you aren’t “crashing” it anymore. You’re straight up attending. Chris stumbled his way through every single social interaction, but he liked hanging out with Whitney and gave her the rose.

Cannon baaaaaaall!

The next day, Chris attended a pool party with all the women. And you know what makes a pool party super fun? You were going to say Super Soakers, I know. But you’re wrong. It’s talking about being recently widowed.

OK, I know what Juelia was talking about was sad and serious and painful. But guys, I could not handle how she was crying and wearing those ridiculous thick false eyelashes TO A POOL PARTY EVEN. Don’t wear false eyelashes to a pool party. Don’t wear false eyelashes when you plan to tell the story of the worst moment of your life and sob a bunch. What even.

When Jade saw Chris making out with Britt, she decided to get on in there and asked for a tour of his place. Next thing you knew, they were in his bed kissing. Gross, but I guess she achieved her goal. Meanwhile, Jillian was secretly waiting in Chris’s hot tub. Then, once Chris joined her, three other girls lurked nearby waiting for alone time. He should just like, set up a booth or something. This is too much. Next thing I knew, Kim Kardashian was crying.

giphy kim kardashian cryingSome women were eliminated, but it’s still so early that I don’t know most of their names. See you next week!

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Parenthood: “How Did We Get Here?” and “Let’s Go Home”

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Over the past several years, Parenthood has been one of my favorite shows. I love the ensemble cast, the family drama, the familiarity of so many of the problems these characters face. It’s one of the few dramas I watch that isn’t about a complicated anti-hero, and I love it for that. Even when Parenthood makes creative decisions that I’m not crazy about, I still enjoy the show overall.

This final season was a bit of a struggle. In particular, I don’t think I’m alone in hating the storyline about Kristina’s school. I’ve detailed my issues with it in previous blog posts and won’t repeat myself, but boy am I glad that the school has not appeared in either of the two episodes we’ve seen so far in January. There are two more episodes left, and I’ll be thrilled if we never hear about the school again.

These final four episodes will be how I remember the last season of Parenthood. The first part of the season was not only filled with that dang school and a sexual harassment storyline involving Max and a classmate that went awfully awry, but there were budget issues that meant the cast fled separately a lot. Now, we’re back to having all the Bravermans in one space a lot of the time.

I knew these episodes would pack an emotional punch, since they’ve centered so much around Zeek and his health. Oof. They’ve definitely been emotional, and in particular the scenes with Drew and his grandfather have killed me.

“How Did We Get Here?” was such a good episode, and we saw the four Braverman kids all trying to deal with Big Life Stuff while Zeek was in the hospital, unsure of what the outcome would be. The robbing of The Luncheonette was an opportunity to explore how differently Adam and Crosby feel about the family business. Crosby wants to rebuild, Adam wants to use the insurance money as an escape plan.

Julia and Joel were considering reuniting, and Hank realized he wanted to make things official with Sarah. I really loved Ray Romano in this episode – the way he kept assessing how perfect a guy Joel is couldn’t have been more fitting. One of the reasons the Joel and Julia separation storyline never really worked was because it felt too out of character for Joel. He is kind of this unbelievably nice, superhuman guy and it was funny to see someone like Hank watch him and feel inferior.

“Let’s Go Home” brought a bit of normalcy back to the show, since everyone wasn’t gathered together at the hospital. Our characters, though, are still coping with the big decisions ahead of them. Zeek must decide whether he wants to risk surgery – and the underlying acceptance that he might die soon either way is subtle and heartbreaking.

Sarah was debating Hank’s impromptu proposal in a way that was much more cautious and pragmatic than we’ve ever seen her. I like the growth it showed in her character, and I like that Camille was able to remind her that ultimately, what matters is love and happiness. That scene between with Camille and Sarah was really well done – I loved how it exuded so much history that, though it predates the beginning of the show, we as an audience could still understand.

When Sarah arrived at Amber’s apartment to find her daughter asleep and Hank quietly assembling the massive crib that Amber’s dad had sent, she accepted his proposal. It was a lovely moment that really suited the characters, and I’m glad that Sarah is ending up with Hank. I’m still not convinced that Amber, in that tiny, terrible apartment, is at all ready to be a mom. But Mae Whitman has acted the hell out of this storyline, and I particularly loved the scene in “How Did We Get Here?” where the Braverman women threw a beautifully supportive, loving baby shower for Amber.

I’m also glad that Julia and Joel have reconciled. There are a lot of ways in which this storyline seemed mishandled, but I thought their reconciliation was well done. Both characters admitted to the roles they played in hurting their marriage, and they handled a reunion carefully enough, debating how long their should wait before telling the kids – until they finally just gave in and realized that they no longer want to be apart. Watching the two kiss in front of their kids at he skating rink was a really sweet moment.

The other big decision was whether Adam would stick it out at The Luncheonette. Adam was stuck between his own desire to get out from under the stress of running a struggling business, and his desire to be there for his brother. I was annoyed at Kristina for sort of pressuring Adam into calling it quits. Maybe it’s because I hate her stupid school, but I couldn’t help but think that Kristina would be pleased as punch if her husband could quit that little hobby of a business and run the Chambers Academy cafeteria full time.

One more thing I loved was Zeek deciding to let his prized baseball remain at the old house, hidden in the rafters of the barn where he’d left it. Zeek’s reluctance to sell the house and change his life was such a big part of his storyline with Camille, and something he never fully accepted even after he’d committed to it. He didn’t just let go of the baseball, he let go of the house. Sure, it was a little on-the-nose for a character who is facing death – but this is the kind of thing that Parenthood has always been able to do well.

Stray thoughts:

  • Drew has killed me in these past two episodes. My heart broke for him when his car wouldn’t start and he needed to get to the hospital, and again when he finally had a chance to apologize to Zeek for ruining the surprise trip to France. But, dammit, I really wanted Zeek to apologize too. He never should have yelled at Drew like that, or put him in that position in the first place. But Zeek is a flawed man.
  • Do we think Ryan will show up in one of the final two episodes? I kind of like the idea of Amber raising the baby on her own because it’s more realistic. I don’t think Ryan could kick his pill addiction this fast.
  • Instagram photos have suggested to be that, yes, we will get to see Haddie and acknowledge her existence before the series ends.
  • I’m OK if we don’t see Ruby again.
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Parks and Recreation: Say Hello to 2017

I am not ready for Parks and Recreation to end. It has been my favorite comedy on TV for many years now, and I can’t think of a single sitcom I watch right now that even comes close to making me laugh as much.

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I was really impressed with the creative decision to jump a couple years into the future for Parks and Recreaion‘s final season. Because this show has always existed on the brink of cancellation, I think it’s allowed them to make bolder choices in storylines. Parks and Rec always goes for it, they never hold a plot development back, because they know they might not get the chance later.

2017 Pawnee is great. The town is in the middle of an economic boom, all our favorite characters are successful and facing new challenges, and the tablets are way cooler than the ones we’re stuck with here in 2015.

Leslie, April and Gerry (now called Terry) all work for the national Parks department, while Ron, Donna and Tom are all succeeding in the private sector. Andy works part time and has his own children’s TV show. But the biggest difference is that Leslie and Ron have had a huge falling out.

I liked how the first two episodes slowly revealed exactly how bad things are between Leslie and Ron, and then forced them to temporarily put that aside for the greater good. We still don’t know exactly what caused the rift (what is morning star?!), but based on what we know about the characters it’s plausible anyway. Ron and Leslie hold very different, very passionate views. They’re both stubborn. And they’re no longer coworkers. I’m sure we’ll see them make up, and I’m happy with that as one of the story arcs for these final episodes.

I liked the other bigger storylines that were set up to, like April trying to find her passion in life and Tom possibly reconnecting with his ex-girlfriend Lucy. But besides the character development, these episodes were just downright funny. I missed that.

Highlights from the first two episodes:

  • Leslie’s already bored just thinking about cutting her work schedule down to only four days a week when she turns 100.
  • “I’ve never known what bangs are and I don’t intent to learn!”
  • That Jon Hamm appearance though! I hope we get at least a couple more flashbacks featuring him.
  • April and Andy’s attempt to avoid becoming boring adults was pretty great. I want to get one more appearance from Janet Snakehole before the show ends.
  • Kevin James was cast in the reboot of the Bourne movies and Leslie thinks he nailed it.
  • “Human equivalent of gas station sushi” is a sick burn that I plan to put into heavy rotation.
  • Amy Poehler’s impression of Tammy was truly incredible.
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The Bachelor – Don’t Bet The Farm, Chris

I didn’t blog about The Bachelor last week because, well, it was three damn hours long and kind of boring. I fast-forwarded through a lot of the show. Here’s what I remember:

  • Andi and Josh walked the “red carpet” together and then announced a breakup the next day. What kind of iron-clad contract had the signed agreeing to appear at that event?
  • The woman who got the “first impression” rose seems like she’ll be a frontrunner.
  • There were many, many awkward first meetings, but the lady with the pink, portable karaoke machine was worst.
  • One gal had too much to drink, and the way the promos teased things I was sure she was going to throw up on the women in front of her. But no, she just teetered and yawned a lot, and everyone else acted like she had kicked a puppy on the way in.
  • The promos always suggest a lot of drama and the show doesn’t always follow through, but there sure were a lot of tears.

The First Group Date

I cannot tell the women apart yet, but six of them joined Chris on the first group date of the season. They were told to “show your country”, because it has been made abundantly clear that Chris is looking for a woman to drop everything and move to the farm. After, like, six weeks of knowing someone. It will definitely work out.

The women were forced to walk around LA in their bikinis, because why would you want to throw something on top of that? That would be crazy! It’s not like stores sell cute little tunic cover-ups or anything. People aren’t into that. God, The Bachelor can be so gross.

The first part of the date was a tractor race. It was as riveting as it sounds. Ashley I. was in second-last place, but then she won! Who would’ve imagined? Not me!

MacKenzie told Chris he had a big nose during their alone time, which was one of the least charming flirting techniques I’ve ever witnessed. She followed that up by asking if he believes in aliens. Then she said “I haven’t been on a date in sooooo long, like a year,” and beat around the bush before finally telling Chris she’s got a one year-old kid. That turned the conversation around, and Chris ended up giving her a rose.

While Chris was on his group date, two women snuck into his apartment and snooped around. They definitely seemed drunk, and one was not wearing pants. Her bikini bottoms were small enough that her bum and crotch areas had to be blacked out for network TV. Her parents must be so proud.

Meanwhile, Julia opened up to a few of the other women about her daughter, and her late husband who took his own life. It never stops being weird how this show turns from something like bikini-clad women racing tractors, to someone confiding their darkest days to others, and back again.

One-on-One Date

When MacKenzie returned from her date, she dished with the ladies in full detail about how many times Chris kissed her.

Chris selected Megan to go on the first one-on-one date of the season, and the first helicopter ride of the season. (Megan, for what it’s worth, didn’t even realize she was getting a date. She thought the “Date Card” was just a love note.)

Chris and Megan went to the Grand Canyon, where she told him a tragic tale while noisy helicopters flew overhead. At least two thirds of the women on this show have a big, tragic story to share with Chris. Is this stuff they bring up on normal first dates? I’m always so uncomfortable during these conversations. If that were me, I’d be sipping my wine like…

giphy awkwardAnyway Megan got a rose.

The Second Group Date

“This is literally my worst fear” is exactly what I would say if I were on The Bachelor, too! Who said that? My spirit animal, that’s who.

OK, her worst fear is not the show itself, it was the bizarre, death-themed date everyone was sent on. Who thought up the idea to send a group of women, the majority of whom probably recently suffered personal tragedy, on a death date? Whoever it was probably got a promotion and a raise.

Was anyone in that limo NOT screaming? I wish I’d been there. You should see me at the haunted maze during Halloween. I’m cool as a cucumber. The people playing monsters hate me.

The date was actually a zombie-themed paintball outing. It seemed fun, though it would have been MORE fun if they’d been shooting at each  other. Bruises for the rest of the season! So sexy! Since the zombies were unarmed, it felt a little one-sided. Yet, everyone was still screaming and freaking out.

Ashley S. took a very long time to comprehend the plan. Then she took it very seriously. For the whole evening, Ashley S. made no sense. Was she baked? Did she find some prescription pills on the ground? Was she actually bitten by a zombie? What was going on?

Kaitlyn got the rose, which made sense. She seems pretty fun, and had good chemistry with Chris. But it was tough on Britt, who got the First Impression Rose before and had juuuuust been kissing him two seconds before he handed out the rosBe.

*I just read Britt’s bio, and she lists David Foster Wallace and Dave Eggers as her favorite authors. She uses the term “wordsmith”. She’s officially too good for The Bachelor - both the show and the guy.

Enough about the date, though. Let’s talk about Drunky McMesserson. Yep, it turns out that Jordan didn’t just drink too much on the first night. She drinks too much every night. That must be so fun for everyone else in the house!

The Rose Ceremony

Let’s talk about Ashley I. Ashley looks like a Kardashian, and is a virgin, which everyone finds concerning. According to MacKenzie, the trifecta of desirability is to be pretty, have a good personality, and be a virgin.

But then, MacKenzie saw Ashley and Chris making out and was totally confused. She’s a virgin! What is she doing kissing people? Oh, MacKenzie. I feel like there might be some aspects of sex ed that you missed.

Britt also spotted the kiss, and was upset because she connected with him so early. Britt, again, I’m pretty sure you’re better than this.

Jordan was plastered, and questioned Chris about whether he was getting lipstick all over his face. Jordan. Sigh. You’re probably not better than this.

Britt got the first rose, followed by Ashley I. And that’s all the names I know.

When Chris called Julia’s name, Jillian (I think?) came forward instead, tripped on the carpet, and burst into a loud, embarrassed cackle. She got a rose later, but it was hilarious.

The final rose went to Ashley S. – zombie girl! That was surprising. Do you think the producers told him he had to choose either the crazy girl or the drunk girl? For entertainment’s sake.

Well, we’re two episodes in now. Will Chris meet his wife? I wouldn’t bet the farm.

Posted in The Bachelor