The show began with Natalie whining about – what else? – how they should have eliminated power couple Kovacs and Elizabeth. The contestants of Bachelor Pad have perhaps displayed the worst strategic thought of anyone in the history of reality TV. Snooki could string together a more cohesive plan than these people. All they did, for weeks, was discuss how to get the power couples out. And who ends up in the final six? Oh, all the power couples. All the “cool kids”. Pathetic!
Now for the challenge. Ballroom dancing. What, were they rigging this show so that Tenley could win? Although I suppose to be fair, the slutty make-out challenge did play to Natalie and Elizabeth’s vast experience, so why not throw Tenley a bone? The three couples piled into limos to go meet their dance instructors – and Elizabeth had the foresight to drench her man in her scent by basically mauling him as soon as they jumped into the limo. Gross!
Surprise surprise, the dance instructors were from Dancing With The Stars! Man, I had no idea that The Bachelor franchise and Dancing With The Stars were on the same network! Craziness! But speaking of crazy, let’s talk about Elizabeth. She and Kovacs were paired with Edyta for their dance lessons, which had to be on purpose. I’m not going to deny that Edyta has a smashin’ bod, but “so hot it’s almost unbearable” was going a little far, Kovacs. She’s kind of butterface. Still, it was fun to watch Edyta wrap her long, tan legs around Kovacs while Elizabeth tried not to look crazy in the corner. Elizabeth giggled about how she felt a bit insecure and jealous -NO, really? Those cannot be new feelings for her – while she attempted to copycat Edyta’s movements with all the grace of a large potted plant. Elizabeth said she felt embarrassed when she saw herself dancing in the mirror – can you imagine how she’ll feel then when she sees herself in each episode of this show?
The other dance lessons were pretty boring. Tenley squealed with delight, which means nothing because she does that all the time. Kiptyn tried to look like he was having fun. Natalie and Dave actually looked like they were having fun. Watching Dave spin around his male dance instructor made the entire dance competition worth watching. Actually, Dave was definitely the best male dancer in the bunch – something I had not seen coming but immensely enjoyed.
After a day of rehearsals, it was time for the competition. Chris Harrison introduced the panel of judges, none of whom impressed me. Melissa Rycroft? Well, at least they finally gave her the opportunity to do something other than silently hand out roses. Jake Pavelka? What? I can only assume that Jake must be sleeping with everyone from ABC, including Chris Harrison, because I cannot understand why they continue to market him as the golden boy of the Bachelor franchise. Haven’t they seen this? And Trista Sutter? Why would she degrade herself by appearing on Bachelor Pad? She has kids to think about!
Tenley and Kiptyn were up first, and Tenley managed to annoy me even while dancing as she chirped “Smile!” over and over to Kiptyn as she dragged him across the dance floor. She’s like one of those talking dolls that gets so irritating that you have to take the batteries out and tell your kid it broke. Only in Tenley’s case you just need to take her Prozac away.
Next up were Elizabeth and Kovacs. Oh please, please, please ABC executives, please put Elizabeth on the next season of Dancing With The Stars. I think we have someone here who could be even more hated, and be an even worse dancer than Kate Gosselin. Kovacs and Elizabeth’s dance was the worst thing I’ve ever seen. Despite this, Melissa Rycroft gave Elizabeth and Kovacs the same score she’d given Tenley and Kiptyn. I know this is the stupidest competition ever on the stupidest reality show ever, but that just ain’t right. Although Trista gave them a score of 8, the look of pity on her face screamed 3.
Dave and Natalie performed last, and in my opinion performed best. Dave was by far the best guy, and Natalie was decent. She might not have danced as well as Tenley, but she was miles ahead of Elizabeth and as a couple they looked to be having the most fun. As much as it pains me to know that I even put a millisecond of thought into judging the dances, I thought they deserved to win. It seemed like the judges liked them, too – Jake talked about Dave’s “hip-action” (barf) and said they’d performed a “dang hard dance”. Seriously, why is this guy on TV?
Instead, the judges scored Tenley and Kiptyn the highest. Tenley dodged a MAJOR bullet in not getting engaged to Jake “Rage Machine” Pavelka, isn’t that enough of a prize? Here’s my theory: Trista was actually planning on giving Dave and Natalie a 10, but had to score them low because the producers wanted Kiptyn and Tenley to win the challenge. Why else would the final competition be a dancing contest, if not to make Polly Perfect and Prince Charming a lock for the finals?
Decision time! The smart choice would have been to keep Elizabeth and Kovacs, because they’re a train wreck team that would be easy to beat. But the strategic choice is never the one that Polly Perfect and her Prince Charming (who comes with his own high horse!) will make. So they chose Natalie and Dave to go to the finals with them because they like them better. That’s way less hurtful, right? In the Loser Limo Elizabeth said she cares more about winning Kovacs than she does the money. “I would love for that day to come where he can say that he loves me,” she said. As my mom pointed out, why does Elizabeth think that Kovacs really loves her deep down inside and just doesn’t realize it yet? Dave and Natalie aren’t much better. “I stuck by her through this whole thing, and she stuck by me,” Dave said. You mean, after you were both done making out with people named Jessie/Jesse? Ah, new love. Time for the live finale!
Live finale, wheeee! Let’s get the most shocking and devastating news out of the way first – Elizabeth and Kovacs are no longer together! I know, I know, I’m upset too. If those two (literally) crazy kids can’t make it, who can? Well actually, basically anyone else. Yes, the “relationship” between Elizabeth and Kovacs lasted all of 30 seconds in the real world. “He wanted to have a casual relationship, and I don’t do casual relationships,” Elizabeth told Chris. No, there are a couple other “C” words that better describe Elizabeth’s relationships. “Crazy” comes to mind, as do “complicated” and “coerced”. At least Elizabeth got rid of that awful blonde hair – someone must have been Googling herself since the show ended.
Next stop on the crazy train was Gia and Wes. Gia revealed she’s now single, Wes confessed his love for her (again) and they kissed. Gross. Gia dating Wes is like the pathetic reality show version of Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton. (For the record, Brad Pitt in this scenario would be Chris Lambton.)
The final stop on the crazy train – the two remaining couples! Kiptyn, Tenley, Dave and Natalie came out to join the “fun”. Tenley looked great in her sparkly grey dress, but Natalie, once again, looked like the school slut at Junior Prom. The cast-off Bachelor Pad contestants got to vote for which couple they thought deserved to be the final two, but not before a few fun confrontations. Jessie and Krisily criticized Dave for voting them out, but both girls were barely hiding their true feelings – disappointment that Dave was still kinda-sorta seeing Natalie. Then Peyton and Gia criticized Kiptyn for lying about being in a relationship with Tenley, and he lied some more to cover that up. The best confrontations, though, were more personal. Crazy Michelle ripped apart Tenley for spreading a rumor that she’d slept with Craig M. (who sat in the back row looking very smug). Then, as the two couples made their final pleas for votes, Gwen took a shot at Dave by bringing up a conversation she’d overheard. Apparently Dave said that anyone in their 30s who was on Bachelor Pad was a loser. She also revealed her age (which I’d known all along thanks to Wikipedia) of 39. Dave only sort of apologized for the comment – he said he was sorry, but made it pretty clear that he didn’t want to be 40 years old and on a dating show.
We didn’t get to see all the votes, but it looked like a landslide win for Dave and Natalie. I do not get the charm of Dave, but the guy must have some because both Jessie and Krisily voted for him. Unless they thought that by voting for him to win $250,000 they would have another shot with him. So Kiptyn and Tenley were out and it was time for the final twist. Dave and Natalie would each be asked to privately decide whether to share or keep the money. If they both chose “share”, they would each receive $125,000. If one chose “keep” and the other “share”, the person who chose “keep” would receive $250,000. But if they both chose “keep”, the $250,000 would be split among the 17 ousted contestants and they would receive nothing. Understand? Yeah, I did too but that didn’t stop Chris Harrison from explaining it twice. And it still seemed like some people were confused.
The smart choice would be to choose “share”. If you choose “keep”, money could go to Elizabeth and no one wants that. Dave chose “share”, which everyone knew he would. But everyone thought Natalie would choose “keep”, and based on her mysterious defense before she revealed her decision, it kind of looked like she would. Psych! It would not be “The Most Dramatic Bachelor Pad Finale Ever” is they’d made her choice obvious! Natalie also chose share, and all was right in the world because Elizabeth left penniless.
So Bachelor Pad is over, what did you think of the show? Will you watch if they do it again? Sadly, I probably will. There are worse ways to spend a Monday night. Now I’m going to go take a shower, read a really complicated book and pretend this never happened.