Bachelor Pad – We’re in the home stretch, friends…

…can you believe we’re still watching this mess? This show is such nonsense. I do this for you, I hope y’all know that.

Four couples are left. I don’t like any of them, and I don’t want any of them to win money. But I continue to watch. And mock. Watch and mock.

Hanging By a Thread

The challenge this week was “equal parts brain and brawn”, according to Chris Harrison. Sigh. If knowing Bachelor Pad trivia is considered brains, then send a Mensa membership to every moron on this show.

After the requisite few clips of players saying they didn’t come here to lose or aren’t read to go home, the challenge commenced. One team member had to answer trivia questions while the other team member had to sit on a dangling swing – ropes got cut as questions were answered incorrectly, and after all the ropes were cut the players would be hanging from bars.

All the gals answered the questions and all the guys took the strength role, with the exception of Nick and Rachel. Even though I hate how Rachel sobbed over Michael, I still hate her the least of everyone and like that she wasn’t confident in her Bachelor Pad trivia.

Chris and Sara won the competition, which is what everyone didn’t want. It’s a good day to be a Gerard Butler or Miley Cyrus lookalike, I guess.

Nonsensical Madness is the Name of the Game

Because there’s no rhyme or reason to how this show works, Chris and Sara got to choose who’d be eliminated next. Each couple pleaded their cases, and it was cute that Blakeley thought she had a shot. Chris is way too big a misogynist to keep his ex around. So after a heartwarming (cold as ice) speech, Blakely and Chris were sent packing. Think they’ll last as a couple outside the show? (NO spoilers!) I’d be surprised. This show is too gross to help grow a real relationship.

Immediately afterwards, there was another competition. The remaining three couples got to go on a field trip to a theater where actual celebrities had performed. A band called Night Ranger was there playing a song called Sister Christian, and everyone was more excited than me.

The challenge was that each couple would have to sing that song in front of a live audience, to be judged by the real band. The competitions on this show are always stupid, but this one took the cake. Who cares if they have vocal coaches? This challenge was so arbitrary, couldn’t we just do another spelling bee?

Sister Christian Rock

As if being an employee of Glee wouldn’t be embarrassing enough, now these poor people have to add Bachelor Pad to their resumes? Tough.

Basically, everyone sucked. None of these fools could sing. Watching this episode was a crime against my ears.

Nick and Rachel went first. Sara thought that they wouldn’t have on stage chemistry because, basically, they aren’t sleeping together. Compared to the others, they weren’t terrible. They weren’t good by any means, but they were the best of the bunch.

Next were Ed and Jacklyn. Jacklyn missed her entrance, asked to start again, swore, and completely screwed up the entire thing. Ed forgot the words entirely. It takes a lot to be the most epic disaster in a competition of disasters, and Jacklyn basically resorted to performing as a stripper instead. It was disgusting. I’m pretty sure Ed is always drunk, but they had to have been smashed while performing this. Jacklyn’s analysis that they “recovered nicely” was a generous assessment.

Finally Chris and Sara performed. They’re both pretty bad singers, but Sara is brutal and can’t dance. The whole thing was really bad, and Sara looked like a stripper who took a bad hit of meth. It didn’t help that Chris was blatantly reading words off his palm.

Alright, so who won this travesty of a competition? Ed and Jacklyn were clearly out of the running. Rachel and Nick won, which was the only acceptable outcome. I’m glad they’ll be in the finals. I couldn’t care less about Nick, but I don’t mind Rachel.

As the winners, Nick and Rachel got to choose which couple would join them in the final two. It seemed pretty obvious to choose Chris and Sara because no one likes them. Jacklyn said she didn’t want to lose a friendship over it. Gee, Jacklyn, then maybe you should separate the game and your friendship and not dump the girl just because she doesn’t choose you? Just a thought.

Nick convinced Rachel that if she wants the money, they need to take Chris and Sara. Ed and Jacklyn are too fun-loving and drama-free and could get more votes. Girls always seem to cave on this show, and “they” (Nick) decided to take Chris and Sara to the finals.

Rachel felt terrible, but I think Jacklyn looks worse. It’s a game. She’s the one that’s giving up a friendship over a stupid game. She could choose not to, but she won’t because she’s just as selfish and also wants to win the money. I bet if Jacklyn and Ed were in that position, they also would have taken the less likable couple to the finals.

I think it was the right decision. They might have lost Jacklyn’s vote, but I don’t see any way that those people will hand Chris the money next week.

OK. Cray-cray finale next week. I unfortunately read some spoilers by accident, so a word of advice to others – don’t go Googling anything about the show or the people on the show if you don’t want to accidentally see outcomes! And please no posting spoilers in the comments, but please do head down there with yours thoughts on this episode!

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About Jill

Pop culture junkie and TV aficionado. I write sharp and snarky TV recaps at www.couchtimewithjill.com
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2 Responses to Bachelor Pad – We’re in the home stretch, friends…

  1. Why would you write “Don’t read spoilers?” Because I am going to read the spoilers.
    And I DID!

    • Jill says:

      I was trying to warn people who might go innocently Googling for Bachelor Pad recaps or something and end up reading spoilers! It is not my fault you’re so weak willed! ;)

      But totally juicy, right?

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