Alright, last week was a parade of losers and weirdos for poor Des. Did it get any better? Well, I can’t say I was particularly impressed with any of the dates this week – but the show was certainly a lot more fun than the premiere.
If you don’t watch The Bachelorette, I highly recommend you read the blog. I get it, you don’t have two hours to waste on this drivel. But you have five minutes to read about how hilariously awful it was.
Date #1 – Brooks
The first date (and first date curse) went to Brooks. What the hell kind of a name is Brooks, anyway? It’s a girl’s name, but pluralized. Des and Brooks, it sounds like a cheap tailor shop. I bet Brooks’ nickname is Bro, he looks like a Bro.
Des picked Brooks up in her Tiffany blue convertible to show him her “real life”. Um, shouldn’t she have been driving the clunker she arrived in, then? Oh well. They went to a bridal shop, because that’s where she works. They ran off in full-on wedding attire and hung out on the Hollywood sign. Just a typical day in the life of Des! I’ve seen that movie with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis (more than once, it’s really funny). I know that you’re not allowed to sit there.
Later, they had dinner, and Brooks told Des about his parents’ rough divorce. It was a sob story, but someone will surely trump it by revealing he was orphaned at six months old and raised by pelicans or something.
Date #2 – Group Date
OK, pal who said “I came here to be with Des, and I’ve yet to get a date card”. Cool your jets. ONE GUY has gotten a date so far.
This date was filming a rap music video, because that is a thing that people do together kind of like bowling, or seeing a film. Given how white casting on The Bachelor always is, this was even more embarrassing than you’re imagining. The best part was the lone man of color, who declared “Dancing is my kryptonite. I did terrible.” Way to break down stereotypes, Bachelor! Keep fighting the good fight!
At the cocktail party, Zack W. gave Des an antique journal. He was trying to show he’s thoughtful, after coming across like a moron when he arrived shirtless. I mean, I guess. What I really want to know is, what’s up with that journal? A dad wrote an inscription in it to his daughter and the journal was never used? Why? Did she die? Was it tragic? Or was she just an ungrateful little brat? I HAVE TO KNOW.
Anyway, Ben the single dad who brought his toddler as a prop on the first night got the rose.
Date #3 – Bryden
Oh, guys. This one was boring. I can’t even remember was Des and Bryden (BARELY a better name than Brooks) did on their date. My attention drifted off while they were together and I started looking up sweet potato recipes on Pinterest. That’s the trashy TV litmus test – browsing Pinterest is OK, but once I start making grocery lists a show is not doing its job.
Bryden did trump Brooks’ sob story though, and he even had photographic proof of his tragedy! The next guy better have a Vine of his own heart transplant or something. Bryden told Des all about his horrible auto accident, and then really hit a home run by saying how it inspired him to join the army, or something. Anyway, so he survived a horrible accident AND the Iraq war.
You want to know what the REAL tragedy is, though? Bryden had never heard of brie cheese! I would have sent him home on the spot. No – no. I would have made sure every guy completed a quiz on cheese before even auditioning for the show. No lactose intolerants allowed, either. I mean, this is serious business. This is the rest of your life.
At the cocktail party, Michael spent a long time confessing to Des that he has Type 1 Diabetes. Um. I know that’s very serious and all, but the way that he told the story was… bizarre. Like “The phone rang, my mom answered…it was the doctor…” I mean, he practically began with “It was a dark and stormy night.”
Michael was interrupted by Ben, and everyone was mad because he already had the rose. There was maybe a solid ten minutes of drama, gossip and bickering. It was a great opportunity to pack my lunch for work the next day.
A guy called Will got eliminated, probably because of his poor performance in the rap video. Oh and because this show hates minorities. He thinks it’s the friend zone though, because, guys say that. Two other entirely unnoticeable guys got sent home as well.
OK guys, if you didn’t watch the show do yourselves one last favor – look up the Bachelorette rap on YouTube. It’s like that “Friday” song, but even more humiliating because it was on national television and presumably made with more than bat mitzvah money.