Let’s all agree to not comment on Juan Pablo’s offensive remarks this week, shall we? After all, I’ve never let reality interfere with reality TV before and I won’t start now! Morals and the beliefs I hold dear to my heart have no place in The Bachelor.
Date #1 – Cassandra
The first date this week went to Cassandra, the 21 year-old single mom and “former NBA dancer”. Can they overcome the age difference? Maybe she and Juan Pablo can bond over having the word “former” in their listed professions. Like, can I just start telling people that my profession is “former tween” and not “marketing”?
Juan Pablo and Cassandra drove a car into the water, because it was actually a boat disguised as a car. What a sneak.
Juan Pablo cooked dinner for Cassandra at his fake house, and they danced in the kitchen. She loved it, because her favorite movie is probably The Notebook. It just is. I can tell.
Cassandra was very nervous, and kept reminding the viewers at home that this was her FIRST DATE in THREE YEARS. Like guys, she hasn’t been on a date since she was 18! So a.k.a. she’s never been on a date.
Juan Pablo gave Cassandra the rose because, well look at her.
Date #2 – Soccer Group Date
Group date time! The fancy Canadian opera singer was just psyched to finally get to leave the house. Like, how long was she stuck in there? A week? Ick.
Juan Pablo was playing soccer when the women arrived, and they had a practice and a game. YAWN. If I wanted to watch sports I’d be watching the Superbowl, not The Bachelor. (Oh, was the Superbowl not on last night? I DON’T KNOW. THAT’S HOW LITTLE I CARE ABOUT THE SPORTS.)
After the boring soccer stuff, we had the usual cocktail party and Juan Pablo kissed the fancy Canadian opera singer. (I may never learn her name.) Scandal! I saw that one coming a mile away. The best part was how all the other girls could see, and Andi had just kissed him like 30 seconds prior. The opera singer was in a backless dress, so I figured she’d get the rose – who tipped her off to Juan Pablo’s fashion preferences?! Instead, cute blonde baby nurse Nicki got the rose.
Date #3 – Cheslie
The second solo date this week went to Cheslie, a 24 year-old “science educator”. Is that, like, different than teacher? Elise, the only girl without a date, was not pleased. She focused a lot on how young Cheslie is – Elise is 27, so practically ancient! – and it was especially funny that she vented these feelings to the 21 year-old single mom.
This was my most hated date, the old “Do a scary thing and compare it to your relationship!” trope. They did a tandem bungee jump from a bridge. Juan Pablo baaaaasically forced her into it.
I have bungee jumped. I have gotten married. The two are nothing alike. (The only thing the two have in common is that you don’t eat strange food before doing them! Yikes.)
Sidenote? I did the world’s tallest bungee jump and got a Guinness Book of World Records Certificate. What was with this dainty bridge? They might as well have jumped off my kitchen counter.
I was so hoping that Cheslie would chicken out, but she went along with it. “I think if we can jump off a bridge together, we can pretty much get through anything,” Cheslie said. No! No no no! Jumping off a bridge is easy, you just move your feet a little and the professionals do the rest. That is not easier than holding it together when you’re like, on a road trip and take a wrong turn and can’t find a place to get a cheeseburger and are about the run out of gas and etc.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, there was a private concert. EVERYBODY DRINK!
Date #4 – Breakfast!
Juan Pablo decided to make a Venezuelan breakfast for all the girls so he could see them in pajamas and no makeup. And Little Miss Dog Lover totally missed her shot at some one-on-one time by avoiding Juan Pablo, hiding her face, and running upstairs to put on makeup! Rookie mistake, chica. Go au naturel and do NOT tell the other girls about the hot chef.
Instead of a cocktail party, Juan Pablo and the ladies had a pool party. I wonder if someone lent the Free Spirit a bikini top?
During the pool party, fancy Canadian opera singer confided in Juan Pablo that she hates the cameras and he made out with her publicly because she classy.
This is when I began to drift off. The girl who got the first date was being reeeeaaaaalll whiny about not getting any time with Juan Pablo. And then the rose ceremony bored me to tears. Lucy and Christy went home. I honestly couldn’t have identified Christy if you paid me – she looks exactly like Cheslie, Kat and Nicki. Lucy probably wasn’t that sad to leave, I’m sure she was late for drum circle or something.
That’s a wrap, see you next week!